BLOGGIN' BIN REVUE

“The Room” Tie-In: Stains on My Carpet

Last time we met, I had just unveiled a review of the modern cult classic, The Room, on the Bargain Bin Review. It’s quite the movie, one I described as “like a soap opera made entirely by people suffering from concussions.”

You know, that line takes me back to my MySpace days. When I wasn’t posting pictures of unicorns and rainbows and scantly clad photos of myself in hopes of being cast in a reality TV show, I was participating in various blog-petitions with pieces like the one below.

So sit back, turn the ringer off your phone, grab a box of Bon Bons and enjoy…

 

OPENING SEQUENCE. Camera runs along extreme close-up of fine, quality rug.

NARRATOR
Just like the fabric that runs through our lives, so are the STAINS ON MY CARPET… The continuing story of the trials and tribulations of the Staneliss family and their carpet cleaning empire.

[CORRESPONDING CLIPS FROM PREVIOUS EPISODES]

NARRATOR
Previously on STAINS ON MY CARPET… After a mysterious three-year absence, prodigal son Jake Staneliss returned to the family business just days before the passing of Pa Staneliss… Stoic older brother Frank Staneliss, under pressure from the demands of his wife and responsibilities of being the de facto owner of Staneliss Steamers, breaks off relations with his mistress and employee, Nikki Harris… And the regal matriarch, Ma Staneliss, received a mysterious letter in the mail.

What did she receive? What complications will the growing attraction between Jake and Nikki cause? And what nefarious plot is Spargo Galapagos, owner of the rival Galapa-Cleaners, hatching this time? All this and more on today’s…

STAINS ON MY CARPET
(Steeeeeam in the aaafternoooooooon!)

 

SCENE: INT. LIVING RM.,lavishly decorated and featuring numerous products from the show’s sponsor.

Enter JAKE with carpet-cleaning equipment. With his steely eyes, taunt body and permanent five o’clock shadow, JAKE is the very embodiment of “manliness.” Entering close behind him is alluring NIKKI. Both are decked out in Staneliss Steamers work uniforms, though the uniforms can’t contain their hotness.

NIKKI
(Looking around)
So, what are we looking at?

 

JAKE
(All business)
Emergency stain in the living room. That’s all I know.

 

NIKKI
(Pointing)
There!!

 

Jump cut to a LARGE STAIN. Closer. Closer. Too close. It’s horrible. Back to JAKE and NIKKI.

NIKKI
Red wine and chocolate? Dear God…

 

JAKE
(Fearlessly strides up to the stain, swings the cleaner into position)
Alright then. Let’s get to work.

 

NIKKI
But Jake! This is your first solo cleaning! Maybe we should call Fra–

 

JAKE
(Grits)
I can do it. I can do it!

 

Music intensifies — “ER”-style — as JAKE goes to work on the stain. NIKKI looks on, breathless. JAKE bares down, teeth clenched, beads of sweat starting to appear on his brow. Back to NIKKI, who can’t take her eyes off JAKE. Abruptly, JAKE tosses the steam cleaner aside and drops to his knees.

JAKE
Club soda, stat. (NIKKI just stands there, stunned) Club soda, dammit! NOW!

 

NIKKI snaps out of her daze, dives onto the floor next to JAKE and hands him a bottle of club soda. JAKE snatches the bottle and goes at it, working the soda into the carpet.

NIKKI
(Moving opposite JAKE)
Here, let me help you…

Both are working on the stain now, starting to pant. Harder. Harder. And then — finished.

JAKE
(Leaning back)
There. Good as new.

 

NIKKI
(Star-struck)
Jake, you were amazing.

 

JAKE
It was nothing.

 

NIKKI
(Moving closer, obviously imagining what it would be like to lick honey off of JAKE’s nipples)
No, really. You’re… amazing.

 

JAKE
I couldn’t have done it without you.

 

NIKKI
Oh Jake, the sexual tension between us these past few weeks has been unbearable.

 

JAKE
I know. I can’t bear it.

 

NIKKI
(Torn)
We can’t do this. I was your brother’s mistress. If he ever found out — we shouldn’t –

 

JAKE grabs NIKKI by the waist and kisses her. NIKKI moans slightly, and the MUSIC swells as the two fall together to the floor. Pan over towards the FIRE in the FIREPLACE.

NIKKI
(Now off-camera, save for her feet)
Oh Jake…

END SCENE.

 

SCENE: INT. DEN of STATELY STANELISS MANOR, warmly decorated by show sponsors.

MA STANELISS, extravagantly dressed with her trademark turban and feather boa, is going through the day’s mail. In her hands is a MYSTERIOUS ENVELOPE.

MA
Wadsworth?

 

WADSWORTH, the enigmatic family butler, enters.

WADSWORTH
Yes, mum?

 

MA
Is this the day’s mail?

 

WADSWORTH
Yes, mum.

 

MA
(Holding up envelope)
Do you know who sent me this?

 

WADSWORTH
No, mum.

 

MA
Mysterious, don’t you think?

 

WADSWORTH
Yes, mum. Terribly mysterious.

 

MA
(Opens envelope, reads document inside)
Oh!

 

WADSWORTH
Oh, mum?

 

MA
(Holding up document)
This, Wadsworth. This could change… everything!

MUSIC builds as WADSWORTH looks at MA. MA looks at WADSWORTH. WADSWORTH looks at MA. MA looks at WADSWORTH.

END SCENE.

 

SCENE: INT. STANELISS STEAMERS OFFICE.

FRANK STANELISS, looking exhausted yet bookishly handsome, toils stoically through a mountain of paperwork while talking on the PHONE.

FRANK
(Into the phone)
Yes, dear… Yes, dear, I know… Well, I have a mountain of paperwork… (aggravated) Late. I dunno, late… (softens) Yes, dear. I know. Give Dakota and Cody a kiss for me… Yeah-huh, okay. Bye.

FRANK hangs up and digs into the paperwork. There’s a KNOCK at the door.

 

FRANK
(Wearily)
Yeah?

 

Enter VERONICA FAWKES, the sassy, leggy administrative assistant. She strides confidently into the office, sits on the corner of the desk and crosses her long legs.

VERONICA
Hey, Boss Man. That the little lady giving you an ear-full?

 

FRANK
Yeah. She wants me home, but she doesn’t understand just how much goes into running a successful carpet cleaning company. Ever since my father passed away, it’s been all on me… It’s a lot of pressure.

 

VERONICA
Well, it should help that you’re no longer splitting time with –

 

FRANK
I know. I don’t want to talk about it.

 

VERONICA
Say, where is Nikki, anyway?

 

FRANK
On a call, trying to keep my baby brother from getting out of hand.

 

BELL CHIMES.

VERONICA
(Standing to answer the door)
That must be them now…

VERONICA goes towards the door, stops abruptly.

 

VERONICA
You!!

 

SPARGO GALAPAGOS
(From off-camera, with a thick European accent)
Yes… ME!

VERONICA backs away as SPARGO GALAPAGOS enters. He’s a continental, older gentleman with an insidious little moustache.

 

FRANK
Spargo Galapagos! What the hell do you want?

 

SPARGO
(Amused)
I just stopped by to pay my respects… and see how my new business partner was holding up.

 

FRANK
(Shocked)
Business partner?!?

 

VERONICA
(Shocked and confused)
But you already own the other carpet-cleaning company in town, Galapa-Cleaners!

 

FRANK
(Shocked and confused and seething)
I don’t know what kind of nefarious plot you’ve hatched this time, Galapagos, but that just can’t be true!

 

SPARGO
Oh yes, it is true.

 

FRANK
It can’t be true!

 

MA
(From off-camera)
I’m sorry dear, but it is true.

MUSIC HIT: Duh-Duh-DUHHHH! Enter MA and WADSWORTH.

 

FRANK
Mom?

 

MA
(Holding up the mysterious letter)
It’s all in these mysterious documents I received today.

 

FRANK
But… I don’t understand.

 

SPARGO
I will be more than happy to explain everything.

 

JAKE
(From off-camera)
Good. You can start with what a piece of Euro-trash like yourself is doing in my father’s office.

Enter JAKE and NIKKI, aggressively.

 

SPARGO
(Surprised)
Well, Jake! It’s good to see you. I haven’t seen you since that incident last summer.

 

VERONICA
Last summer?!? But Jake just recently returned from a yet-to-be explained three-year absence!

MUSIC HIT: DUH-DUH-DUHHHH!

MA
Well, that was quite the announcement.

 

NIKKI
Speaking of announcements… I’m pregnant!

MUSIC HIT: DUH-DUH-DUHHHHH!

 

NARRATOR
What a turn of events! Galapagos and Frank are partners! How can that be? And what the secret connection Jake and Galapagos share? And who is the father of Nikki’s baby? All this and more, next time on…

 

STAINS ON MY CARPET
(Steeeeeam in the aaafternoooooooon!)