BLOGGIN' BIN REVUE

2011 Binnie Awards Nomination Special

  Welcome ladies and gentlemen to the 3rd Annual Binnie Awards Nomination Special!

We learned our lesson from last year’s bloated, endurance-testing Binnie coverage, so this time around we’re presenting a single post special covering all of our nominees.  And why not?  Just like some other award show that happens to be runnig around this time, it really is an honor simply to be nominated.

And now, to go along with our “lean and mean” approach, here is the host of our nomination special — someone who embodies the very concept of “lean and mean.”  Please welcome one of 2010’s nominees for Patron Saint of the Bargain Bin Review, MEGA SHARK!

Thank you! Hello! I tell ya, I just flew in, because I can do that. I jump up into the stratosphere and eat 747s -- pretty textbook stuff when you're a MEGA Shark. But enough about me...

MEGA SHARK:  The committee opted to combine some of the past categories into one “mega” category.  See what I did there?  Cuz I’m a “mega” shark.  I’m hillarious! All of these films have taken their tired genres and put them on their ears: LEPRECHAUN 4: IN SPACE takes your standard wise-cracking kill and, well, puts him in space.  It’s kinda right there in the title… WATERWORLD swaps out the standard arid pos-apocalytic setting for watery goodness…  THE TOXIC AVENGER takes your standard killer mutant and makes him the hero… Depending on how you look at it, AGAINST THE DARK is either a twist on standard vampire movies or standard Steven Segal movies… And DEAD SNOW goes the extra step of not just putting its zombies in arctic condition, but making them Nazis as well.

MEGA SHARK:  Ah, as a former winner of this awards, this category is near and dear to me.  Nothing but headliners here:  Gamera from GAMERA VS. GUIRON, ZARKORR! THE INVADER, A*P*E, THE GIANT GILA MONSTER and the legendary Tor Johnson in THE BEAST OF YUCCA FLATS.  Personally, I think excluding Guiron is a bit of a slight — he did some excellent work in his film.

MEGA SHARK:  Honestly, I don’t get this category.  Something about it really gets under my scales.  Get it?  I’m a shark! Obviously, I’m pulling for the rubber shark in A*P*E.  It’s not every day that an inanimate object can provide a nail-biting battle with the title character.  Also putting in strong performaces were the Shakey Tree Branches in DON’T GO INTO THE WOODS and Eegah!’s Facial Hair in EEGAH!, both arguably the best actors in their respective films.  And you certainly can’t discount the whimsy provided by the bubble machine in ROBOT MONSTER or the piles of body parts in THE SAMURAI PRINCESS.

MEGA SHARK:  The Gauntlet that Nolahn ran this past summer made it a big year for our Crap of the Titans films.  Any other year, any one of our nominees would probably run away with the title.  Consider this: The Bargain Bin Review covered so many Crap of the Titan films this year, such famous stinkers as I KNOW WHO KILLED ME, THE WICKER MAN and HOUSE OF THE DEAD didn’t even get nominated.

MEGA SHARK:  Ah, what a list of fine, talented actors… and Mick Foley.  He’s really on this list because the nominating committee has a soft spot for the wrestling legend.  I did ask Nolahn why Jennifer Aniston (LEPRECHAUN) didn’t make the list.  He just laughed and said that this award is for actors who least deserve to be in a Bin-calibre film.

MEGA SHARK:  Plenty of chum for you to chewon (heh heh):  In BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER features very little actual Ecks vs. Sever… I KNOW WHO KILLED ME is a statement that can only be grammatically correct if time travel is involved, and amazingly, that’s the one movie cliche not used by this film… MONSTER A GO-GO doesn’t really have a monster or any “go-go”… RUNAWAY is only applicable to what audiences wanted to do after sitting through this film… And STINGER is… uh, so generic a title that it could apply to anything? 

I dunno, I’m just the host.  Let’s move on to the biggies…

MEGA SHARK:  Ah, so many good quips, so little time.

MEGA SHARK:Let’s face it: Even in a year our Chief Reviewing Officer calls “tough,” these films are still jaw-droppingly stupid.  There were so many laughable moments this year, the committee actually extended the number of nominees to seven instead of just five.  Hell, there were probably that many nominee-worthy moments just in THE ROOM alone.

Still, I think the committee did a good job of narrowing the list down and providing a variety of accidental hillarity, from the obvious (THE WICKER MAN, UNDEFEATABLE) to the budget-challenged (SUPERMEN DONUYOR) to the sublime (THE ROOM, AMERICAN NINJA).

MEGA SHARK: What can I say about these nominees?  Their work speaks for itself.  All of these nominees have made excellent contributions to the world of b-movies and would make for fine Patron Saints. (Though none of them would have been as big as me)

MEGA SHARK: Ah, the grand prize… The most coveted of the most coveted…  Movies so mind-boggling that their mere existence –

That's (huff) quite enough (huff puff) from you.

Look everybody, it's the 2010 Patron Saint of The 'Bin, Steven Seagal. Nice sword. What brings you here, as the committee clearly preferred that I host this event?

I'm here to shut you up. You're nomination commentary is like a lunchbox full of dicks: disturbing and inappropriate and somewhat random.

Wow, that was harsh AND gross. Do you kiss the women you're sexually assaulting with that mouth?

I'm still a bit winded because of the walk in from the parking lot, so why don't you come over here and say that to my face?

Dude, seriously? You're just sad. Hell, I don't even have legs and I can move around on land better than you. Also, I eat national landmarks for fun.

So what? I eat national landmarks for fun, too.

... Okay, fine! I'm feeling a bit peckish, and you're like a big pork rind with a pony tail. I'll just head on over to you an--

SLICE! DICE! HACK! SLASH! SWOOSH!!

Ow

Hi-ke-ba, you aquatic asshole! Polling is open until February 20th, so make sure you get your votes in.

GO HERE TO CAST YOUR VOTES IN THE 3RD ANNUAL BINNIE AWARDS