Smashing!

The film actually came up in conversation during our most recent Lair of the Unwanted, and in many ways it’s exactly the kind of film I look to highlight here: A movie from the not too-distant past that most movie fans probably hadn’t thought about in years, but the mere mention of the title has you going, “Oh yeah — THAT movie!”

Don’t let the excessive neon and ’80s riffs fool you — Streets of Fire is Bad Ass. Also, “sledgehammer fight.”

It puts the lotion in the Basket Case.

Well, that might be over-stating it a bit.

Still: Basket Case.

Joining us in taking on this cult classic is Scott from the most excellent Frankly, My Dear podcast. And afterwards, Scott struts his stuff in the Game of the Unwanted.

Great Expectations.

You’ll find those things in this week’s featured film. Unfortunately, the filmmakers don’t stop there…

– (2009, 84 minutes, Unrated)  An “Excellent Films” Production, my ass.

Our protagonist is not either of the title characters but a bland pretty boy so bland I can’t remember his name (if this film was remade in the U.S., they’d cast some kid from The CW). Notice that I don’t refer to him as “our hero.” He is the object of affection for both of our title characters, despite the fact that he’s such an agent of inaction that Bella from the Twilight series seems dynamic in comparison.

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Who’s recognizing me now?

And yet, it is with great pain that I admit that The ’Bin has never been nominated for a LAMMY.

This is what my soul looks like whenever conversation turns to the LAMMYs.

Oh, I try not to take such a gross oversight personally — I know that the site has been named in numerous categories, just not enough to earn a Nomination. But this year, this year I’ve decided to actively put myself out there For Your Consideration.

So, if you’re a fellow LAMB and reading this: Don’t you look fabulous today? I don’t know what it is — new haircut? new shirt? — but you’re simply radiant. And also, would you kindly consider me for these categories?

Best Blog
Never mind that the Bargain Bin Review isn’t, strictly speaking, a blog. It’s still the best.

Best Design
It’s not just anyone could make earth tones, teal and maroon work like th… you know, I don’t think I need to be considered for every category.

Best Blog-a-thon
Admittedly, none of these took over the Internet, but I’m proud of ‘em: A year ago, I set aside the world of film and dove deep into the boob tube with May Sweeps… Last fall, I went Back To School with a whole month of classic b-movies and academically titled blog posts… And in March, I stepped into the squared circle for Wrestlemania Month.

Funniest Writer
Who loves ya, baby? Here are just a few examples of hilarity:

• SHOWDOWN
• PICASSO TRIGGER
• SUBURBAN COMMANDO

Brainiac Award
Don’t tell anyone, but every now and then I put together some coherent ideas. If you would, consider my examinations of:

• RUBBER
• BUBBA HO-TEP
• SOUTHLAND TALES

Best Running Feature
Man oh man, we’ve got Running Features a’plenty! If there was a LAMMY for most Running Features, we’d maybe be nominated!

• Every Monday, I light up your life with a Cure for Your Case of the Mondays
• Every Friday, we go back in time to remember those forgotten films of yesteryear in our Flashback Friday
• Every month, we recognize Excellence in Excellence with our prestigious Man* Of The Month
• Every so often, we take a break from reviewing bad films no one has heard of to take on bad films everyone has heard of in our Crap of the Titans
• And finally, even I am allowed to leave the house every now and then, and I tell ya all about it in my Adventures in Leaving the House

Best Rating System
Most folks give stars. We give asterisks. Why asterisks? Cuz if the makers of the films we cover at The ‘Bin can’t be bothered with such things as character development or plot or a proper script rewrite, why should I be bothered to dig up star icons?

Best Festival/Awards Coverage
As best as I know, I’m the only one who gives The Binnies the proper coverage.

Best Podcast
In all seriousness, if there’s only one category that you really consider me for, let it be this one. I’m damned proud of the work Jason and I have done over the past year on Lair of the Unwanted, and it’d be nice if the Best Podcast to Never Be Nominated was actually, you know, nominated.

Also, a baby cries every time someone votes for another podcast.

Best Reviewer
[bats eyes, smiles winsomely]

PRELIMINARY VOTING FOR THE 2012 LAMMYS IS OPEN UNTIL MAY 27th.

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…with a kick in the pants.

At least now I can go back to my day job and relax.

Still, it’d be good to kick off the week on the right note. And what better way to kick things off than with a special edit of the Jean-Claude Van Damme classic, Kickboxer?

What makes this edit a special edit? It’s nothing but the kicks:

A cinematic kamikaze.

During that year, I tried to make the most of my time there. I traveled around Tokyo, Kyoto, Osaka, Hiroshima and more. I soaked in onsens and sang all night long in karaoke bars. I played pachinko, badly. I even climbed Mt. Fuji to shout at the rising sun. And I made some great friends along the way. It was an amazing experience, one that I still hold very dear to me.

However, that does not mean that I love all things Japanese. Natto comes immediately to mind.

And then there are movies like this week’s featured film. Imagine this trailer running for 90 minutes, and you’ll have a good idea of what the film is like.

All Soap’d up.

I’ve seen a few episodes. It’s pretty cool, but very much a soap opera.

Speaking of which, if watching soap operas gives you a dirty, dirty feeling, you can always wash yourself clean with The Foxy Goat goat so–

Sorry. It’s like second nature.

What I meant to say was: Speaking of which, today’s Flashback Friday also has soap opera trappings. We take you back to 1991, when all comedies were accompanied with the kind of music you’d find in commercials for cruise lines and Robert Downey, Jr. was like 17 years old.

Don’t let those things (or the inclusion of Whoopie Goldberg) throw you — this is actually a fun little movie. I give you Soapdish:

A Very Special Man* of the Month.

And also, in the case of this month, a team. For this past weekend, a mighty team assembled to take on insurmountable odds with a never-say-die attitude.

That team, of course, is Team Unstoppable Rolling Thunder of Doom.

Team Unstoppable Rolling Thunder of Doom

Team Unstoppable Rolling Thunder of Doom is awesome.

First, some history: TW (above, right), is a longtime friend of The ‘Bin. We met in college, and over the years, he’s been the quintessential Impact Player, an agent for Action and Adventure (which I believe are also the names of his fists) and a rock-steady, supportive friend. Born with a warrior’s spirit, TW invented his own sports league where armored combatants shoot fireworks at each other.

[For legal reasons, I’m compelled to tell you that getting together in homemade armor and shooting fireworks at each other this is probably quite dangerous.]

It was through TW that I had the privilege of meeting The Bandit (on the left in the team picture above), who is like a quieter and wrier version of TW. And many good times have been had over the years.

You might think that the description above and the fact that TW is co-proprietor of The Foxy Goat, Official Sponsor of Lair of the Unwanted would warrant Man* of the Month status. But no.

About a year ago, TW stunned us all by announcing that he was going to compete in the Tough Mudder.

Never mind that TW wasn’t what one would consider to be “in shape.” TW simply decided he wasn’t gettin’ any younger and that a competition would be just the thing to motivate him. Sure, he could’ve done a 5K, maybe a mini-triathlon. But in the mind of TW, that’s baby stuff — bring on the 10-mile obstacle course of greased monkey bars, underwater tunnels and flaming fields of kerosene-soaked straw.

One of the easier obstacles involves running with a giant log.

Quickly joining TW in this (arguably insane) endeavor was his trusty companion, The Bandit. Or maybe TW is The Bandit’s trusty companion. I’ll let them sort that out.

Did I mention that The Bandit only has one leg?

That’s right: The Bandit heard about TW’s pledge to compete in the Tough Mudder and thought, “Hmm, sounds insanely hard and rather dangerous. And I only have one leg. Better show those pussies how it’s done.”

Along with their buddy, Brett, TW and The Bandit formed Team Unstoppable Rolling Thunder of Doom. They trained their asses off. And last weekend, they competed in — and completed — the Tough Mudder.

I awfully proud of them.

For high achievement in badassery, Team Unstoppable Rolling Thunder of Doom, you are our Man* of the Month for May 2012.

Previous M*OTMs:

• April 2012: Alain Robert
• March 2012: Mick Foley
• February 2012: Mega Shark
• January 2012: John Riggins
• December 2011: Stephen Tobolowsky

What is and what was never meant to be.

This week’s film has a notably sordid history, so it really was just a matter of time before I covered it. It also gives me an opportunity to trot out some failed Fantastic Four team slogans:

“Let’s get fantastic!”

“Time four action!”

“Let’s make this a family affair!”

and

“Time for a foursome!”

** (1994, 90 minutes, Rated PG)  “Fantastic” isn’t the word we’re looking for.

Ma Storm dubs them the Fantastic Four, despite the fact that nothing particularly fantastic has happened yet.

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…with the Dark Side.

That’s okay. And understandable.

I know there’s no shortage of Star Wars love out there, but for today, I’m going with a classic. Here is the pilot episode of Blame Society Production’s “Chad Vader: Day Shift Manager”: