April
24
2012
What do you get the horror fan who has everything? Face it: We are living in a synergy world. Or, as Mel Brooks put it, “Merchandising!” You never just have a movie anymore — no sir! You have all the tie-ins: soundtracks and books, action figures and collectible glasses, posters and t-shirts, video games and lunch boxes, coloring books and puzzles, on and on and on.
I get it. It’s the world we live in.
But this? I never saw this coming…
SAW-THEMED CRUISE INVITES YOU TO EXPERIENCE THE ULTIMATE IN TERROR, WATER SLIDES
By Sean O’Neal, The AV Club
The five-night voyage departs this August, heading from New York City to some of “the most beautiful points in Canada”—home to some of the most cost-effective places to film a torture porn sequel—while promising fans the “once-in-a-lifetime opportunity” to mingle with series stars that you certainly would never be able to meet on dry land, unless you were to attend some sort of convention.
CHECK OUT THE WHOLE POST OVER AT THE AV CLUB
Yes, this appears to be a real thing. You can check out the informational sheet here to see just what a Saw-themed cruise would consist of.
Obviously, it’s a no-brainer to upgrade to the Balcony Cabin level for the chance to play in the VIP Mini-Golf Tournament with the Saw stars.
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April
23
2012
…with Camo-Peeta. Friends, it’s Monday all day today, and there’s not a damn thing we can do to stop it.
Fortunately, the folks over at How It Should Have Ended have just wheeled out a particularly good short, showcasing their take on how The Hunger Games should have ended. Eerily enough, it’s also how I would have ended it.
Needless to say, this short is choc-full of SPOILERS. But really, at this point, either you’ve seen the movie or you haven’t, so whatever.
April
21
2012
In the Dead Heat of the Night. My Spring Cleaning continues with this ’80s gem we covered in the Lair of the Unwanted a while back. In fact, I even ran this trailer as part of a Flashback Friday/LotU SuperPost, which makes re-posting it kinda redundant, do you think?
So if you really, really, want to see the trailer for this week’s featured film, just go here.
In the meantime, let’s do something different. Let’s talk about Joe Piscopo.
So. Joe Piscopo was a comedian, and is probably best known for his four-year run on “SNL” during the Eddie Murphy era. He did a really good Sinatra impersonation. Also, he was the villain in the very funny Johnny Dangerously (now there’s a Flashback Friday waiting to happen). At some point, he got big muscles. Also, he was… eh… in some beer commercials? Yeah, that sounds right.
So… Joe Piscopo!
April
20
2012
Go-Go Grandma Edition. My grandmother turned 90 today. And I’m happy to report that, despite the now ever-present oxygen tank, she’s still going strong. In fact, just last fall she competed in the Wii Sports Resort Bowling Championship. Had her picture in the paper and everything.
(Sorry about the lack of link — the paper has it archived)
We’re having a big party for her tomorrow, and as part of a gift (I won’t elaborate, on the off-chance she reads this between now and then — she’s surprisingly ‘net savvy), I wrote this story.
I hope you like it. (Well, I hope she likes it)
* * *
One of my favorite memories of my grandmother is also one of my oldest:
Summertime. Grandma Nolan is staying with us for a few days to baby-sit my sister and I. She sleeps on the living room couch, which is the perfect size for her. All of her belongings are neatly stacked next to the couch. It makes me want to sleep on a couch, too.
One morning, Grandma agrees to take us to the small zoo over in Norwich. It’s really just a glorified petting zoo with a dusty old playground, but for Kelly and I, it’s The Zoo. Grandma doesn’t know exactly how to get there, but I tell her that I do. I’ve been there so many times, I just know I’d recognize it by sight. It makes me feel like a Big Boy.
And we’re off, down Route 2 towards Norwich in my Grandmother’s hatchback. It’s a sunny day. Not too hot, though the sun through the car window is making the vinyl seat stick to our thighs a bit.
Closer and closer. Finally, I see an exit I recognize. That’s it! I say, and Grandma turns off the highway. We go ‘round and ‘round, and then down a tree-lined road… that I don’t recognize. At all.
This isn’t it. And I panic. The sun bakes my legs through the car window. I don’t know where we are. We are LOST!
But Grandma Nolan does not panic or get upset. She doesn’t even bat an eye. That’s okay, she says. We’re going on an adventure.
An adventure? To where? Where are we going? The tree-lined road seemed to go on and on forever.
I don’t know where we’re going, but that’s all right, Grandma reassured us. We’re just going on a little adventure.
And we drove on. The trees were blocking the sun now, allowing me to pry my thighs from the vinyl seat. The cool and shady road curved this way and that. Eventually, we passed gas stations, restaurants, stores, houses — all places I’d never seen before. We drove on.
I don’t remember if we ever made it to the zoo.
It didn’t matter. We were on an adventure.
“My First Adventure”
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April
20
2012
Keen cleaving. I did something a little different for this week’s Flashback Friday: I didn’t have a movie in mind, so I went to the IMDB site for one of my favorite actors and went digging.
That actor? The awesome, awesome, awesome Brian Cox.
And sure enough, there’s my film: Let me take you back to that heady age of 1995, back when “reality TV” meant the OJ Simpson Trial and all of our terrorism was home-grown… There were not one but TWO Queen-free films about Scots running around in kilts and swords.
One of those films was 100 hours long, yet was a huge box office hit and won a crate-full of Oscars. The other was Rob Roy.
Rob Roy — besides being a classic cocktail — is essentially a stripped-down and scaled-down version of Braveheart, and I think leaves a bigger impact as a result. It helps that the film boasts budding tough-guy Liam Neeson, Tom Roth being evil and the previously mentioned awesome x3 Brian Cox.
Also the swordfight at end is just sick. None of this Errol Flynn fencing stuff — these are big ol’ broadswords crashing into each other, and it is so bad ass.
April
19
2012
Sounds like I’ve made it. A while back — yes, before Wrestlemania Month — we featured the Sesaon 4 premiere of The Vlog over at Random Ramblings of a Demented Doorknob. Nick’s fun video series has somehow transformed itself into his own private soap opera, and for this past season, Nick asked me to provide the “Previously On…” narration to kick off every episode.
Naturally, I obliged.
We kept my role a secret until the premiere — even from Jason Soto, my co-host at Lair of the Unwanted, who is a series regular on The Vlog. Awesomely, he was absolutely stupefied by my ability to not bring it up prior to the premiere.
Anyway, the season concluded last month in dramatic fashion. To mark the occasion, Nick held “The Knobbies,” which is exactly like The Emmys (R) if The Emmys (R) were awarded to just one show (though some years it feels like that’s the case).
Not only was I nominated for multiple Knobbies, but I won TWO coveted awards!
(Insert your own obvious “knobs” quip)
Yes, my Shameless Self-Promotion — you’re welcome, The Foxy Goat — tied with the Mortal Kombat segment for Best Part of Season 4 Finale. And for Favorite Vocal Performance, given the choice of “Nolahn,” “James” (of Cinema Sights, Friend of The ‘Bin) and “They were both awesome! Yay for both James and Nolahn,” the latter received all but one of the votes.
(That last vote went solely to me. I know what you’re thinking, and no, I did not vote for myself.)
Which leads us to an undeniable conclusion:
I AM A GIANT KNOB
(Congrats to Nick and all of the Knobbies. Looking forward to the commentary track and the inevitable suicide pact my and James’ voices engage in for Season 5)
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April
18
2012
“Reviewing the movies no one else will touch.” I’m rather proud of that slogan. It’s catchy, though it’s often misunderstood.
Typically, people take that to mean I’ll review films so grotesque, so demented, so out there that no respectable movie reviewer would ever bother with it. You know, your Cannibal Holocausts, your Faces of Deaths, your Human Centipedes… But in reality, there are tons of websites out there devoted to such films. And to be honest, I’m not even that much of a gore-hound.
Instead, I like to boast taking on the kind of grotesque, demented, out there films that no one would even think to review… like made-for-TV movies on Nickelodeon:
*** (2012, approx. 88 minutes, Unrated)
HELP! We need somebody, pretty much anybody.
HELP! We need somebody, pretty much anybody.
The lads are all decked out in tuxedos, jumping around and fighting ninjas and whatnot, all while singing The Beatles’ “Help.” It all has the look and feel of a Foo Fighters video.
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April
17
2012
New looks at modern classics. I have a nice little two-part post of Star Wars goodness for you today. So go ahead and insert your favorite Yoda-speak/ Han Solo snark / Wookie call, and we’ll get right to it.
First up, some Spring Cleaning with Topher Grace. Yes, Topher Grace.
You might know him as That Guy from “That ’70s Show” or The One Who Ruined Venom. But after today, you’ll know him as The One Who Fixed the Star Wars Prequels (Not That We’ll Get To See It).
Turns out that Mr. Grace is a big ol’ film geek, and opted to spend his spare time re-editing the three Star Wars prequels into one 85-minute movie.
(And this is a good time to note that his 85-minute cut is still a good 50 minutes shorter than the shortest of the three prequels.)
Unfortunately, for a host of legal reasons, we’ll never ever ever get to see this film. Which is too bad, cuz it sounds awesome. You can get a full run-down here:
TOPHER GRACE EDITED THE ‘STAR WARS’ PREQUELS INTO ONE 85-MINUTE MOVIE AND WE SAW IT
by Peter Sciretta, SlashFilm.com
Grace’s version of the film(s) centers on Anakin’s training and friendship with Obi-Wan, and his relationship with Queen Amidala (Natalie Portman). Gone are Trade Federation blockades, the Gungan city, the whole Padmé handmaiden storyline, the explanation of midichlorians, the galactic senate and the boring politics, Anakin’s origins (a backstory which never really needed to be seen in the first place), the droid army’s attack on Naboo, and Jar Jar Binks (Ahmed Best) appears only briefly for only one line of dialogue, used as a set-up to introduce us to the Queen.
CHECK OUT THE FULL POST AT SLASHFILM.COM
BUT THAT’S NOT ALL!
For — joy of joys! — I hit a major parenting milestone this past weekend, one I’d been looking forward to for a long time.
I watched Star Wars with The Nolahnettes.
Please tell me I don't have to specify which one.
It’s funny how you view movies differently as a parent. You start scrutinizing films you loved in your youth for things that might freak out your own little ones. My youngest is turning six this week, so I not only had to consider whether the big-screen treatment of Darth Vader would terrify her (she’s very used to seeing him in LEGO form) and how she’d react to seeing Luke’s aunt and uncle burnt to a crisp or Obi-Wan cut off Walrus Man’s arm.
Turns out, none of that phased The Littlest Nolahnette. She was very quick to explain to me that the charred remains weren’t really the aunt and uncle but just props, and that the actor playing Walrus Man didn’t really get his arm cut off and that’s not even a real arm.
She is awesome.
It was interesting to watch Star Wars again after so many years — I probably haven’t sat and watched it since some time before I began the Bargain Bin Review. Needless to say, I viewed the film in a slightly different light. Here are some of the things that occurred to me, roared out Wookie-style:
[ROAWR] The copy I have is on VHS, so it’s the old-school theatrical version. No cleaned up effects or anything. And seeing a physical nuts-n-bolts R2-D2 roll around the desert (versus the version flying around the Droid Factory in Episode II: Attack of the Unintentional Hilarity) makes all the difference in the world.
[RURWR] I never quite realized just how much of the film takes place on Tatooine. It’s not until about 50 minutes in that our heroes head out for Alderaan.
[RAAAUR] Yes, Luke is the one with the traditional Hero’s Journey, but let me introduce to you the true hero of the film:
Consider this: R2 is the one trusted with the stolen plans, which drives all of the action… It’s R2 who saves Luke, Han, Leia and Chewy from the garbage compactor, and keeps Luke’s X-Wing stabilized (even after getting blasted by a Tie-Fighter) during the final battle… When R2 and C-3PO first arrive on Tatooine, it’s R2 we follow… In fact, R2 gets more screentime than Princess Leia, Chewbacca and (possibly) Han Solo.
We all remember the iconic shot of Luke Skywalker looking off in the distance as the sun sets on Tatooine… While it doesn’t get the same swelling music, R2 gets two such close-ups.
Oh, and who gets the Big Reveal in the Disney-esque award scene at the end of the film? That’s right…
[RWURL] Speaking of which, I thoroughly enjoyed that the Nolahnettes thought the movie was ending with a wedding. “And who is getting married?” I asked as Luke, Han and Chewy made their way down the aisle. That stumped them.
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April
16
2012
…with Laser Cats! You’ve heard me grouse time and time again about dogs. But what I don’t often talk about is the other side of the coin: the obvious superiority of cats.
Do I even need to explain?
Cats are low maintenance. Cats don’t need to be taken out for walks day and night for fear they’ll piss and poop everywhere, nor do your neighbors take their cats over to your place to poop in your yard. Cats don’t jump around like mental patients whenever you have a friend over, or someone shows up at your door, or when they think they see an imaginary squirrel out the window. Cats don’t say hello by attempting to molest you or get off on your leg. Cats don’t slobber. Cats SHUT THE HELL UP.
Sure, cats can be aloof and standoff-ish and look at you with disdain… which makes them just like most people you’ll encounter in your daily travels.
Better than cats? Cats that can shoot lasers.
Just in case you’re wondering, my own cat (Buzbie, Official Cat Intern of the Bargain Bin Review) is a pump action laser cat.
April
14
2012
Big Time. As we like to say at the Bargain Bin Review, we review “the movies no one else will touch.”
I suspect that people interpret that to mean we’ll take on all manner of sick, deranged z-grade schlock. And, sure, there is a time and place for that.
But it’s also meant to mean we’ll take on all varieties of horror… such as made-for-TV Nickelodeon movies.
Check out the trailer for this week’s featured film… if you dare.
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